We Are Gathered Here Today
by KingDemon
Summary: What if a select group of all the different types of vampires from different literary works were gathered together in one place? What if I was their host? Warning: Penguins. Rated M for violence. NO SLASH. Starring, Abel Nightroad, Dracula, Blade, Edward Cullen, Damon Salvatore, Lestat de Lioncourt, Kuran Kaname, Kiryuu Zero, Despair, Rose, Bob, Eric Northman, and Kye.


**So I had this random thought that I'm sure other people have thought of, but what if a certain selection of all the types of vampires from literature were brought into a room with me? Includes a couple of my own creations as well. A lot of characters may be AU as it is my perception of these characters rather than what is probably canon. Hope you enjoy. **

I looked around at all those around me and I wondered, 'Dear Lord, why?'

In one corner sat a rather serious-looking man, his dark skin nearly blending with the black of his leather coat and sunglasses. He had his arms crossed and a glare on his face and I pondered if he'd ever once smiled in his entire life. To his left, sat a man of similar darkness, but his pale features and lack hair left a completely different, far more dead, feeling behind. Beside him was a hunched monstrosity, deformed from weeks inside a grave, long nails and fangs and wilted hair making up the mutilated being. Yellow eyes stared from muddy skin mottled with purple bruises and black patches. More like a corpse than a person, it rubbed apprehensively at its swollen belly and peered around with its bulging eyes at the others within the room. In particular, its eyes rested on a far fairer person, dirty blond wavy hair kept in a ponytail by a black ribbon and yellow eyes fixated pointedly at the black haired beauty on the other side of the room: a tall daredevil looking young man with a smirk and expression-filled eyebrows. One of these brows rose and his smirk widened at the look the dirty blond was giving him, causing the other to scowl and divert his gaze, this time onto a pair of much younger looking males, both seemingly in their teens, one with brunette hair and brown eyes and the other with silver hair and purple eyes. The former's features remained passive and nearly unreadable, the latter, dressed in a black uniform opposite of the white the former wore, was glowering darkly. Beside them, an incredibly tall, blond man was watching the rest with interest and a rather perverted grin on his face as his hand ran methodically up and down his abdomen. Sitting beside him and doing his best not to look at the sexual invite, an even taller man dressed in black priestly robes was gazing upwardly in silent prayer with his blue eyes, nearly hidden by his round glasses. His long silver hair was tied back in a ponytail and his lean body was rather rigid with nervousness. On the far side of this group sat another male, his own body stiff with his anxiety as he gazed around at his fellows. His yellow eyes were brilliant in the dark that was the room and his brunette hair was styled back from his face in a huge wave. On either side of him, like bodyguards, sat two opposite people as if one had been born in a world of dark and the other the shadow of the former's world. The former was lean, tall, though not nearly as tall as some of the members here, with short black hair he wore in front of his face as if to hide the gleaming red of his eyes. He was handsome, if frightening. The other seemed diseased with darkness and bloodlust. His eyes, glowing yellow from the shadow of his eyesockets, were wide as he gazed about at those around him, anxious and excited. His body, grey-skinned instead of lustrous white, was deformed, scarred, and littered with brown age spots and his hair, once a beautiful brunette, was now flecked with strands of grey and white. He grinned, revealing the many sharp teeth he had in his mouth.

I sighed. "All right, so the point of this meeting was simply to see what would happen if all the vampires I...knew of...were put into a room together."

"You seriously only know this many vampires?" The one with the expression-filled eyebrows asked, smirking.

"I know about more." I corrected indignantly. "But then this meeting would get out of hand. As it is..."

My gaze swept the room of disgruntled faces apprehensively and I gave a nervous sigh, "All right, let's start by introducing ourselves. My name is Kye."

"And you're not a vampire." Said the dirty blond with a glare. "So why are you here?"

"I'm supervising."

"And what are you going to do if we get out of hand?" The one beside the serious black vampire asked.

"Well, I'll just ask Blade, Abel, and Rose to subdue you." I said cheerily, hoping they couldn't see through my fear. "Anyways, introductions!"

I pointed at the serious black vampire.

He stood, hands on his weapons. "I am Blade." Then he sat back down.

"Dracula." Said the noble-looking one beside him.

"This feels like an AA meeting." Someone in the room grumbled, but I didn't see who.

"And you are?" I asked the deformity beside Dracula.

"Bob."

There was silence as all the vampires stared at the deformity.

"BOB?" They finally all questioned in unison.

"At least I'm not named something stupid...like Dracula."

"What an impertinent little..."

"And I'm a real vampire." Bob said with glee. "A real vampire, unlike all you bogus ones! I was the first! I'm what folklore created so I'm based off of real observations! You pathetic little monsters are the creation of imagination only! Figments of people's creative juices gushing out! Ha! I'm a real vampire and you're all fakes!"

Apparently tired of this nonsense, the tall perverted blond picked up my glass of water and tossed it at the vampire.

"No!" It screamed suddenly as its skin began to sizzle and it began to deform further upon the ground. "I'm melting! I'm melting!"

"Oops." The pervert frowned slightly as he stared at the puddle that was once Bob. "I didn't think...this is holy water?"

I grabbed the glass and looked over at a rather horrified Dracula. "Er...no...it's just water, but folklore vampires don't know that..."

"Oh..."

"And you are?"

"Eric Northman." He smiled down at me. "And since you're the only human in the room, might I have a bite?"

"You can't glamour me."

"Why?" He asked in shock.

I held up a locket. "Anti-vampire-glamouring-convincing-whatever-you-w ant-to-call-it device."

He scowled and plopped himself down in his seat, looking exactly like a two-year-old denied candy.

"Okay, moving on. You're next."

The dirty blond scowled darker than ever before and muttered, "Lestat de Lioncourt...the best vampire in this entire rather idiotic group."

Several 'hmphs' went round and I sighed. "Okay...and now you two?"

"Kuran Kaname." Introduced the stoic brunette. "A pureblood."

"Kiryuu Zero."

"You're name is Zero?" The expression-filled eyebrow vampire gave a snort of a laugh. "Did your parents hate you?"

"And you are?" Zero asked, reaching inside his uniform, no doubt for his anti-vampire weapon: Bloody Rose.

"Damon Salvatore." The vampire smirked. "You know, the cool vampire that doesn't burn up in the sun because I have a ring."

"I don't burn up in the sun either." Said the brunette with the big hair.

"You don't count." Damon glared at him. "You're not a vampire."

"I am a vampire." The brunette said gloomily. "A monster."

"Real monsters and real vampires don't sparkle." Lestat pointed out rather dully.

"Why does everyone say that?" The brunette asked as he scowled. "We're all fiction! Vampires don't exist!"

"I haven't ruled out the possibility yet!" I said cheerfully. "And you are?"

"Edward Cullen."

"Colon?" Damon started to laugh again. "You're last name is 'colon'? You sparkle in the sun and your last name is 'colon'? Are you g-"

"Anyways!" I interrupted as I felt an argument coming on. "And you are?"

"Abel Nightroad." The priest said with a big goofy smile. "And do we happen to have any food because I am just starving!"

"Oh, right..." I frowned. "Sorry...but since more than half of the vampires can't eat human food, I thought it'd be rude if we all ate in front of them."

Abel frowned and looked down at the floor. "Oh...all right...I guess...that's fine."

"Okay! And the last two are...well, I'll let them introduce themselves!"

"I'm Rose." The handsome dark-haired one said. "A Methusalah, a vampire that can live exponential amounts of time, regenerate, and drinks blood. No special powers aside from great strength and speed and super senses. I regulate other vampires and make sure they don't get out of control. I exterminate any who have lost control over themselves. We pass on our genetics through saliva entering the system of a mortal."

"You're name is Rose?" Damon started, but I glared as meaningfully as I could at him. He gave a smile and gritted out, "What a pretty name..."

"Thank you." Rose said blandly.

"And I am Despair." The vampire on the other side of Edward growled, causing both Edward and Abel to jump at the gargled sound. "A Lazareth, unlike Methusalah, we continue to age, but if we die, we are reborn. Each rebirth mutilates us more and we slowly become the monstrosity you see before you now. Also unlike Methusalah who only drink blood, we devour the flesh of our victims as well. Lazareth is passed through our blood entering the system of a mortal."

"Wonderful." Damon rolled his eyes. "Did you pick the name out yourself?"

"Okay!" I stood up. "So now we're all introduced and we all know each other...we should...play Scrabble!"

While Abel agreed immediately and Edward didn't seem adverse to it, the glares from nearly everyone else (I couldn't see the look Blade was giving me and Rose and Dracula weren't even bothering to look my direction) was enough to scare any human.

"Okay...so suggestions then...there's always charades."

"How about 'eat the little human'?" Despair giggled excitedly. "We could each draw lots to see which part we get to snack on...personally, I hope I draw the heart."

He sprang forward and pinned me down while all the other vampires looked on in either shock or bland interest. Some, I was sure, would even be happy I was ripped open, if only to shut me up and get a taste of blood.

"Er...Rose..." I said weakly. "N-now would be great."

A second later, I was sitting back in my seat while Despair's decapitated body lay at my feet. Rose had already returned to his own seat and normality seemed to settle over the room.

"Any...who..." I composed myself. "Scrabble?"

"No." Lestat spoke up first. "I won't be playing some stupid human game."

"Rose..." I started and watched the brief widening of Lestat's eyes.

"Yes, Maker?" Rose asked obediently.

"All right! All right!" Lestat yelped as all the vampires began to gather together grumpily. "I guess, one game wouldn't hurt."

I grinned as I opened up the game and then I stared at it for a long moment and gave a weak laugh. "So...uh...any of you know how to play?"

I sighed as I rubbed the back of my head and watched the vampires sitting in their seats, each looking at least a little irritated. Of the original twelve, one had died and another had been put out of commission for at least a couple months. All weren't looking at me.

"Okay." I tried again. "So we all know each other and I'm sure we can all get along all right, if we just find something to do."

"I'm getting hungry." Eric grumbled and then perked. "I know! Why don't we all play a game of who would be best to feed off of you? I vote me."

"And why you?" Lestat asked with a scowl.

"I'm clearly the more handsome." Eric retaliated with a small smile. "And also I'm a better vampire."

"Ha!" Lestat stood. "I am clearly a better vampire. "Besides, I came first."

"If we're arguing age," Dracula started with a grin coming to his lips.

"I'm technically older than all of you." Abel sighed.

"You're not even supposed to be here!" Damon argued. "It's 2013! You're not even born yet! You're not born until what...3000 or something?"

"Ouch..." Abel mumbled with another sigh.

"Anyone who feeds on the blood of people is a disgrace to humanity." Edward threw in.

"You're a disgrace to humanity." Damon muttered.

"Wha...why?"

"You sparkle."

"Enough with that already!" Edward scowled. "I can't help what my Maker did to me!"

"All right!" I gasped. "Jeez! You guys! If you're so hungry! I had a friend of mine go pick up some blood...um...sorry, Edward...only human was available."

"Did you have them pick up a sandwich?" Abel asked excitedly.

I resisted frowning. "Oh, yes...uh...but I forgot to ask you how you'd like it, so..."

My friend entered and the ten vampires all turned to see a penguin waltz into the room dragging along an ice chest. There was interminable silence.

"Oh! Penguin! You made it!" I walked forward to help my small friend with the ice chest.

"Traffic was awful." She sighed, wiping at her brow with her feathery fin. "And I got you that sandwich."

"It's for Abel Nightroad." I instructed.

"Who?" She gave me a perplexed look.

"That guy...over there." I pointed at the priest who waved.

"Ew..." She covered her face. "Such long hair."

Abel frowned and stared down at the ground helplessly while several of the others (not Dracula or Lestat) snickered under their hands.

Despite her disgust of his hair, Penguin delivered the sandwich to him and he unwrapped it and dug into its mouth-watering yumminess. I gave him an envious look before passing out packets of blood.

"Sorry, guys, it's cold."

"Don't..." Edward covered his mouth and nose. "Don't...drink it...in front of me."

Dracula opened up his packet and sniffed it. "It...smells...almost fresh...how...so fascinating."

"I won't drink this." Zero scowled.

"Neither will I." Blade said from his dark corner.

"Okay..." I smiled down at a disgruntled Penguin. "Uh...you can take the rest back."

"Great." She grumbled as she pushed the ice chest, still half full, back out of the room.

"Come on, guys." Damon said as he waved his bag around. "It's not so bad. Easier than having to kill a bunch of people."

"I enjoy the hunt." Eric argued, his fangs finally revealing themselves.

This proved a mistake because the moment Damon saw the fangs, he burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, god...that's what they look like? That's where they come from? You look...so...fricking...ridiculous!"

"What'd you say?" Eric stalked towards the dark-haired man. "I am a Sheriff and over a thousand years old. You don't stand a chance against me."

"Right." Damon grinned coyly back. "Bring it."

"No fighting!" I argued. "Zero!"

"Let them kill each other." Zero crossed his arms. "Less work for me."

"Blade?"

"I'm in agreement."

"Abel?"

"Mmmphmmmphmmmm." He covered his filled mouth as his chipmunk cheeks bounced with an overload of food.

"Ah man..." I looked apologetically over at Rose. "I don't like to always have to use you."

"I feel suddenly very dirty." Rose grumbled and I blushed.

"Right!" I turned to the two ready-to-fight vampires. "No fighting."

"You can't make us not fight." Damon shot at me.

"Well, if you die, who will protect Elena?" I asked coyly and then turned to Eric. "Or Sookie?"

They both glared at me, but, finding no way around this argument, returned to their seats to finish their meals.

"What is with you vampires and you're lovers?" Blade questioned with disgust. "Damon and Elena. Eric and Sookie. Edward and Bella. Then you two idiot boys have Yuki to share."

"I don't share Yuki with him!" Zero shouted as Kaname said in his usual even tone, " I don't share Yuki with him."

"And aren't you with Esther?" Blade turned to Abel.

"Eh?" He gasped. "No! It's not like that! We are both brother and sister in Christ! That's all!"

"Uh-huh..."

"I have to agree with Blade on this matter." Dracula said with a wry look in his eyes. "It is rather disturbing that you all seem to have these rather pathetic feelings for these women."

"Lestat has these feelings for more than one woman...and man." I pointed out and watched some of the males choke on their dinner.

"Oh, dear." Abel mumbled as he watched Lestat glaring at me.

"Right. So vampires can have deep feelings for other people." I shrugged as if the topic were casual. "There's nothing wrong with that? Love is a wonderful thing! We should all learn to love as deeply and strongly as some of the vampires here."

Blade and Dracula gave snorts of indignation and I sighed with embarrassment as I watched the exchanges of scowls and annoyance.

"None of you understand love." Edward abruptly put in. "You couldn't possibly understand it...not in comparison to how I love Bella."

"You saw her as heroin." Damon pointed out.

Lestat gave a laugh at hearing this. "Did he really? Heroin? Has such a pretty goody-two-shoes boy like him even had heroin?"

"I compared her smell to heroin...my own personal brand." Edward corrected.

"That sounds so much better." Eric snorted.

"None of you would understand! Her smell compared to others...it was very different...more intoxicating."

Lestat was laughing again. "You mean you were drawn to a specific person? How amusing..."

"It is, isn't it?" Dracula took a sip from the blood he'd been given, which he had poured into a wine glass. "Personally, I think all human blood tastes good."

"Baby blood tastes close to the best." Eric put in casually. "But fairy blood is just to die for."

"Fairy blood?" Damon was on the floor now, laughing uncontrollably. "Fairy blood? Oh, my god, you've got to be kidding me! Who's the fairy?"

"I'm not telling you." Eric snarled. "You'll steal it."

"I wouldn't drink a fairy." Damon stated, suddenly very serious. "I might end up like Mr. Sparkles over there."

"Hey!" Edward was on his feet now, furious. "Enough with the sparkle jokes! They're not funny!"

"You only think that because they're aimed at you." Kaname said wisely. "But for the rest of us who are all very similar, I'd say it's quite amusing."

"The rest of you..."

"You must admit that the majority rule says that vampires don't sparkle." Kaname pressured. "So by that account, we can determine who is correct on what a normal vampire is."

"Doesn't Ichijou sparkle a little?" Zero asked absently.

"That is beside the point." Kaname replied quickly, but still smoothly. "He hardly counts in this situation as he is a special case."

"So by majority rule!" I jumped on Kaname's earlier statement. "We can all rule that vampires drink blood at least, right?"

"That would be the deciding factor, yes." Dracula agreed coolly. "At least, the number one rule is all vampires must drink blood."

"Correct." I nodded, pulling out a piece of paper. "And what else?"

"Immortality." Blade answered. "I'd say that's also a requirement."

"Not all vampires are immortal though." I pointed out. "I mean, Lazareth for example can only resurrect..."

"Your own creations don't count in this debate." Eric cut in.

"Ouch..." I mumbled. "All right, moving on! Immortality! Number two! What's number three?"

"Being superior to humans." Kaname stated. "Most importantly, physically."

"All right." I jotted that down beneath the other prerequisites. "Anything else?"

"Regenerative powers." Lestat threw in. "And eternal youth."

"Bob was proof that neither of those are prerequisites."

"Bob doesn't count." Damon argued.

"Bob does count!" I insisted. "Without Bob, none of you would exist!"

I looked down at the puddle on the floor and sighed.

"And you killed Bob."

"It was an accident!" Eric snapped. "I didn't think that would actually kill him!"

"Poor Bob..." I sighed, pulling a rose out of my bag and laying it over the puddle. "I should have done this earlier. We shall miss you."

"It's a little late, but..." Abel leaned forward and touched his fingers to the puddle. "Through this holy unction may the Lord pardon thee whatever sins or faults thou hast committed."

"All right." I retook my seat. "So maybe just those three are needed? We could say that they must drink blood, they must be immortal or undead, and they must at least be physically superior to humans."

"Sounds appropriate."

"And they should have an ability to lure people in." Edward added. "To be able to convince people that they're something to trust and desire."

"Trying to make yourself feel better?" Damon inquired coyly. "You're never going to make us believe you're a real vampire, colon."

"It's Cullen and of all of you I am far more superior a person! I have conquered my urge for blood and satiated it with the blood of animals."

"Poor Bambi." Damon mocked. "Bet Thumper misses him."

"You..."

"Hey, Abel." Rose spoke up suddenly.

"Hmm?"

"Couldn't you...do us all a favor...and eat Edward?"

"Eh?" Abel blushed a little and looked down at his hands. "Er...I'm afraid...no...I...uh...they say you are what you eat and...well, I don't want to be sparkly."

"Seriously!" Edward was seething, though not openly like some would. "Even you?"

"W-well..."

"How's he a vampire, anyways?" Edward scoffed. "He doesn't drink the blood of humans, but of other vampires!"

"You eat Winnie the Pooh." Damon shot. "What's that make you?"

"Hey, if he eats My Little Pony, it'll explain where the sparkles came from." Eric laughed and the other vampires joined in (except for Blade because he didn't know how to).

"Well, the requirement is only that they drink blood." I choked down a laugh. "So...um...Edward...if you eat My Little Pony and sparkle, does this mean you fart rainbows too?" (I've always wanted to ask this question.)

The laughter to overtake the room was enough to shake the walls and rattle the windows. Edward was trembling, but it wasn't from amusement.

"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" He roared.

I was very grateful for Blade as he cleaved the now out of control vampire's head off.

"Don't worry." He said after a long pause. "As long as we don't burn the body, he'll be fine."

"Anyone got a lighter?" Damon joked and was met with nervous grins.

"Where's Akatsuki when we need him?" Zero muttered bitterly.

"I'm bored." Lestat said a moment later. "So which of you wants me to drink their blood? Kye, I'd really prefer if it was you."

"Are you going to give me the choice you never had?" I tried to keep a straight face as I said this, but the smile sneaked out.

"You're just full of it, aren't you?" He scowled.

"I have my moments of wittiness." I said proudly.

"Only moments?" Lesat asked dryly.

"Ouch..."

"I have an idea." Eric stood. "How about we each pair up and try to beat the other. Winners fight winners and the eventual number one gets to drink Kye's blood."

"Abel will win." I said gleefully. "So no need to fight!"

"Which is why he wouldn't be aloud to participate." Eric grinned. "Besides, we're odd numbered if he's in."

"I don't like this game." I mumbled, sweat forming on my brow.

"Can we kill?" Blade asked.

"I don't see why not." Lestat stated. "It'd be boring if we didn't."

"Guys!" I gasped.

"I'm in." Zero pulled out his gun. "But only if I'm up against Kuran."

"Using that gun is cheating." Kaname pointed out. "Not that I couldn't best you even with you wielding it."

"Bastard." Zero growled.

"Um..." I tried to interrupt again as Damon faced Eric and Blade drew his swords to aim them at Dracula while Lestat raised an eyebrow at Rose. "Er..."

"It'll be all right." Abel assured me. "I'm sure they won't actually kill each other."

Looking at their violent eyes and hateful glares, I wasn't as sure.

"Hey!" I yelped when they all dove at each other.

I was surprised when they all froze in compliance.

"I get to pick the pairs." I argued. "So it'll be Damon and Dracula. Kaname and Rose. Zero and Lestat. And Blade and Eric. And no killing! The room's messy enough!"

The fighting started and ended before I could say anymore.

"I said no killing!" I yelled as Damon winced at my anger, pulling the cross away from Dracula's withered corpse.

"Oops." Damon smiled innocently my direction. "I only thought..."

"Uh-huh..." I crossed my arms. "Ah, well...nothing we can do now...about the father of all of you! You know, without him, none of you would be so damn good-looking!"

"You think I'm good-looking do you?" Eric asked with a quick jerk upwards of his eyebrows.

"And it looks like Blade won." I pointed out and watched Eric's amusement fall into disgust. "And Zero and Rose."

I gave Kaname an apologetic look. "Sorry..."

"You did that on purpose." His glare shot a hole through the wall next to me, causing me to let out a little squeak.

"S-s-s-s-s-s-so it should be Blade and Rose and Zero and Damon!"

"Wait..." Lestat's eyes were wide. "I see three in that group who won't drink Kye's blood...this is an unfair tournament!"

I tried to hide my smile. "Oh...that's ironic how that turned out."

"Damon." Eric became incredibly serious as he looked at the vampire. "You must win."

"Against this kid?" Damon snorted his amusement. "I don't have anything to wor..."

The shot caused him to duck, unable to finish his sentence. "Holy..."

This next battle took a little longer, Blade and Rose, with their swords clashing, and Zero firing shots at a quickly dodging and highly irate Damon. My apprehension skyrocketed when Damon finally pinned the young vampire down. Then I screamed when Blade finally cut Rose down.

"Oh, no! My beautiful creation!" I cried as I hugged him.

"You can revive him later." Blade muttered. "But we would have been locked in eternal battle if I didn't kill him."

"Poor Rose." I frowned and finally let his head rest on the ground. "Oh...uh...s-so...Damon and Blade...er...best of luck..."

"To the death." Damon grinned excitedly.

"If that is what you want, I have no problems with it."

I crossed my fingers. "Win, Blade, win!"

Lestat, Kaname, and Eric coolly rooted for Damon.

"Oh!" I suddenly looked at my phone. "The time! We can't possibly keep this up! We're running out of time!"

"Ugh..." The groan turned everyone's heads and they saw Edward sitting up. "Did...someone behead me?"

"Someone kill him." Kaname ordered casually.

"Eek!" I yelled. "N-no! Enough killing! If you cut his head off again, there'll be sparkles everywhere!"

"You!" Edward shouted.

"Abel!"

"Nanomachines: Crusnik 02 - 100%. Activate."

All eyes turned to the black-skinned, blue-marking winged monstrosity that suddenly appeared into existence.

"The Vampire God..." Lestat mumbled in awe.

There was a flash of brilliant lightning and I was surprised to hear no screaming as within only moments the entire room was splattered with blood that soon ran down the walls and across the floor to the body that was the Crusnik before me. I simply stood there, wide-eyed and horrified, yet stricken with such amazement, I felt exactly like Lestat had said: I was standing before the God of the Vampires.

After a few moments, Abel returned to normal and stood there, somewhat dazed and a little apologetic.

"I guess, I did overdo it a bit." He rubbed the back of his head and laughed weakly.

"Well...maybe a smidge." I nodded, swallowing. "I mean, they didn't stand a chance with you even at twenty percent, let alone a hundred."

"Well, there were so many, I just assumed it'd be best to activate a..." He stopped, flicking his tongue out as he tried to remove something from it.

"What?" I edged closer.

He put his fingers to his tongue and wiped and then stared at his fingers in perplexity.

"What?" I repeated.

His eyes widened and his mouth dropped. "No way!"

"What?" I asked with a little more urgency.

He looked at me, amazed and horrified. "It's...glitter."

**Hope you enjoyed!**


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